sarah

08:33 pm: hate
why do guys have to be so fucking sweet and ass holes all at the same time..
how can i guy make me feel the best and wrost about myself all at the same time.
why does it seem the second i think my life is gunna mellow out nad be alright shit hits the fan.. whos contorling myself .. can i have ur personal cell number please i would like to request some happy time or time that makes sense.. please.. stop teaseing me.. please.. let me be happy for once...
if pain is weakness is leaving the body how wake am i . how can i still be hurting ..
i wish it would all end

12:40 am: Questioning everything
hey...
i hate thinking you all know that .. i wasnt haveing a good day i kinda messed up with a friend of mind and i feel so fricken bad but i know what im gunna do now so i am gunna say sorry in advance for a actions and mood for the next few weeks and or months . i dont know how long the after-math with be. this is gunna be hard to do but i know its what i have to do.. im sorry everyone..

07:25 pm: IM THINKING AGAIN
hey everyone. yes its been awhile i would be surprised if most of you unfriends me because i havent written in so long.in that case im talking to myself but what the hell i do that anyways.im listing to the play list of the cd i made for chris last night.. its a pretty damn good cd if you ask me.. lifes been a pain in the ass the last couple of days.. i have a project due tomorrow that i cant find info i need for .. chris seemed upset and im kinda worried.. watched a movie that brough back memorys and made people cry which hurt me more.. lifes just driving me crazy.. and i dont know what the hell to do i need a FUCKING VACATION before i go crazy..... i think im more depressed now and i need to over come this.. i sang in class today and i guess i did ok but i didnt like it .. i wish i could sing i wish i was loved.. urg life is driving me crazy... i really like chris most of you know yes i cnat shut up about him and i dont know why.. and i dont know whats going on with him and thats driving me bonkers.. i wish i could ready his mind hell i wish i could read my mind.. then maybe i would know how i feel about things... i wish i knew flat out what was going on with people.. maybe i should just puch people away from me for a while and focuse on my studys .. my 5 week reprot was really well but i have a feeling im not doing as good as my teacher lead my parents to believe..i just wanna get out of here start life over. i wanna learn how to smile again.. how to love myself instead of being good at hiding that i hate myself... i dont wanna be alone anymore.. i would like someone who cares about me.. some one whos there for me.. i need a way to release my self .. i cant write cant punch things.. i dont know what to do......... i just dont wanna feel like this anymore......i wanna know who i am .. and what i have to offer to people... so if anyone has a clue please infrom me... cuz i dont know... well im gunna go try and work on my project now.. bye
tons of love

07:16 pm: complaing about men !
hey .. alright .. friday night had a great convo with this guy i mean two hours and straigt non bull shit talking.. really getting to know him.. now im being told something by someone else really confuseing.. i dont know what to believe.. maybe i'll just go talk to this guy tuesday and set things straight.. i wish he would call me now so i could talk to him .. urg im going crazy .. why did i call matt .. why didnt i juSt fucking wait and see if i went to see him on tuesday.. im such a fricken idiot.. I HATE MEN... they confuse the hell out of me... urg... now i was turn into some softy and cry.. urg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

09:54 pm: great talks
hey . ever have those great convos with people for a couple hours and not want the night to end.. damn i had like one of the best i ever had tonight.. meet this really nice guy i meet him once before but i really started talking to him then i had to leave nad i just wanted the night not to end omg i was becoming really happy and it was nice.. he said he might call me tonight .. *crosses my fingers* i hope he does i really like talking to him and i kinda hope atlest a good friendship comes out of this.. hes kinda upset with his ex . ( she screwed him over really bad ) so im *crossing my figners* i cna become a good friend to him.. well i gotta work in the morning so i'll try and update again soon.. cant tomorrow.. love you all
sarah

10:02 pm: i love my will
nick and i are back to being friends kick ass.. only like 3 days later i spending the night at his house dying his hair kick ass friend ya know... its kinda hot in here.. i dunno why.. but whatever....... im gunna go rinse his hair out.. love you all

09:51 pm: One Of Those Days
Today was one of those days when i just shouldnt have gotten out of bed. i just have just rolled over and went back to sleep.
do you ever ask yourslef something like ( for example ) " why do i like older guys ?" and the one day it hits.. " gee i wounder sarah could it be that the guys your age act like there 7 ?" yeah well anyways.. i think all boys around here are icky well except the ones i dont..

oh yeah Going Away Party for Andy is going to be soon.!! i think shes moving away with her boyfriend so im throwing a party for her, so if you know her and wanna say good bye call me or leave me a message and i'll give ya the 411 on the par-tay ..which reminds me i need to talk to rocco soon. i miss that girl. we had tons of fun the other day.. walking around saugerties and hanging out with eric and um um matt i think.. watching movies "Donnie Darko" kicks fucking ass hell yeah.... and we made eric watch a chick flick heheh " Freaky Friday" hehe but kinda backfired forgot that chick flicks tend to have good looking girls in them who knew.. lol well anyways..
i guess im out out of here.. peace...

~Sarah~

06:12 am: Who's ready for life
This summer has been pretty weird. ive gone from being lonley to being happy and back again.. why does it seem everyones paired off with a loved one or best friend. like everyone has a person to run to or someone they are always with and not think are they really my friend .. i tend to question things like this alot. like are my friends really friends or just people i happen to know and hang out with sometimes?

sometimes i really hate being a girl and haveing girly emotions like the who crying for no reason thing that one really sucks.. i wish i didnt do it..

my minds really cloudy right now maybe i will get back to you later about things.........

11:10 am: what's going thur my mind
i like mason, its driving me crazy .. hes so cute but he has a g/f and of course its me ( wake up sarah ) no chance.. why do i have to like guys that i have no chance with wait what am i talking about i dont have a chance with anyone.. but anyways. hows eveyones life? good i hope.. cant wait to go to school to get it all over with...
im bored i might write back later
~Sarah

02:52 pm: new people new life
hey guys summer life getting ehh ok i guess. been hangin out with more people.. sam matt bobby ,,umm umm mason.. justin , um and a bunch of other guys... been doing shit that needs to be kept hush hush like sneaking out and you know shit that i shouldnt be doing.. lol..
kinda cant wait for school to start 2 years down 2 left then im fucking out of here.. back in colorado never to come back again.. but you all know that..
im tired waiting for my dads wife to go to sleep so me sam matt bobby and mason can go out the window and chill.. yeah there all sleeping over.. lol my dads gunna flip he was dead when i asked but lisa ( his wife ) was there he said "yes , as long as there quite" so yeah thats what im doing .. sorry lindzy took so long to write again.. sorry... well im gunna go ,..
~ sarah

06:08 pm: hey
im summer is really boring.. i need a flipping job.. haha. im about to go see a movie.. i can drive now whoo hoo so im gunna drive.. lol.. im bored.. im guna go

09:50 pm: what im thinking

Thinking is something that must be done and sometimes helps and solves pelenty of problems in life . but thinking to much can harm you . it can make things wrose change you mind from good ot bad to wrose.. but what do you do when you cant help but lay in bed and think .. do you ever have that feeling your looseing someone before they leave.. do you ever feel someones presents and then feel them pulling away and leaving to you to fall . kinda like your watching this all happening to yourself from somewhere else and your not doing anythign to stop it your falling to the floor or what ever crying and your not even running to catch yourself your letting yourself fall and watching this whole things and not showing emotion on it. your standing there watching your self break down and you seem like you dont care..

yeah your asking me what the hell im talking about . honestly .. I HAVE NO FLIPING CLUE im just thinking.. again a dangerous game.  ( yeah i know i cant spell ) you can give advice to someone and be going through the same thing.. you can tell them what they should do but you cant take your own advice even tho it might work .. or you tell someone not to do soemthing and you know all the facts and the risk or effects but you do it yourself.. doesnt make sense..

i knwo im rambleing on  and on and neither you nor i know what im talking about.. i just need to clear my mind before i blow up have you ever told yourself you would do something if this one thing was to happen and when it does and do excatly what you said you wouldnt do? you dont understand why people do things until lit happens to you and your goin through it..

 

okay enough with the nonsense..
urg my dad is such a URG!! he makes me so mad my mail from school goes to his house  cuz of some stupid reason and he NEVER  check his mail so anything i get from school i neve know about .. so now i dont knwo how i did if i failed,. omg im so stressed out and i just wish i could chill out but i cant.. im in the middle of cleaning my room and re doing it.. gunna paint it see if i cant start over and make the next year of my life a little better then the last.. but who knows a new color and set up might not be what i need.. i may need to change who i am but its hard when i dont know who i am.. i dont know the real me.. sometimes i wish i could jsut go somewhere where no one knows me and  i could jsut start my life over or turn the clocks back and start middle and high school all over again.. maybe i could save my self a lot of pain.. ignor some of the people i ran into .. dont we all wish this sometimes.. i see my self wishing it more and more as my life goes on.. colorado kicked ass . i felt so happy i didnt have to walk in egg shells to make someone else feel happy i was happy to..
damn i wish i didnt think so much .. and i wish i had more control on my life.. well i better get back to cleaning .. ... talk to you all soon.. love all of you .. well besides the one i hate.. hehe

~ Sarah ~

09:32 pm: its been while
hry lindzy orry took so long but im updateing .. happy fourth to all.. my summer sucks i need a job.. im going crazy...im bored save me

10:57 pm: ...my birthday....
tomorrow is my birthday ........
..............whooooo .... hoo.......!!



gotta wait to get the permit tho... mommy lost the ss card ( damnit )



LOVE YOU

09:32 pm: ahh...
i hate this.. my final speech i have to make it moanday and im really not ready for it.. i need more time damnit.... i wish this would all work but its not i cant get it to come together and sound like i know what im talking about and have the facts to back it up.. ahhhh..
well yeah ... i better get back to work.. other im dead..

12:45 am: I CANT BELIEVE IT
Pat D'Aliso was a Monroe-Woodbury freshman, Dave Mills the senior defending champion, when they met for the Section 9 wrestling championship last year. D'Aliso upset Mills in double overtime that night, and Mills has never forgotten it.
"He beat me in double overtime and he wasn't bragging," Mills said yesterday. "Pat was a gentleman on and off the mat.
"I thought he was going to be amazing.''
People who knew D'Aliso describe him as just that, amazing, as an athlete, as a person.
Those, and so many others, are trying to cope with D'Aliso's death Wednesday. The son of long-time Monroe-Woodbury football coach Pat D'Aliso, he was 16.
"The thing about Pat is that there's not one thing that you couldn't like about him,'' Monroe-Woodbury wrestling coach Steve Fischbein said. "He was one of the most liked kids that I've come around in wrestling.
"I think this has been the toughest 24 hours of my life."
The American flag at Monroe-Woodbury High School was at half-staff yesterday. Students were crying all day in the hallways of Monroe-Woodbury and Minisink Valley, D'Aliso's old school district.
Ken Brown, D'Aliso's practice partner, inscribed the initials "PD" on his arm in permanent marker. Many of his teammates did too.
D'Aliso, an honor roll student and class treasurer, had a way of making everyone on the team better on the mat and in the weight room. He pounded Brown in practice and then told jokes to him afterward.
"He beat me up like crazy," Brown said. "He kept telling me, 'Don't give up. You've got this.' He kept pushing me. Then I finally took him down.
"He didn't want us to quit. He kept pushing us. He took the not-as-good kids and wrestled them to get them better."
D'Aliso's work ethic was contagious. It was second to none. He was the first one to and last one out of the weight room.
"His work ethic was insane,' said Minisink Valley senior Bryan Welsh, who was in youth wrestling with D'Aliso. "He was the nose-to-the-grindstone type.
"A lot of people are very upset."
Visitation will be from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. today at Smith, Seaman & Quackenbush Inc., Funeral Home in Monroe. A funeral Mass will be held at 10 a.m. Saturday at Sacred Heart Church in Monroe.




HE WAS A GREAT WRESTLER AND A REALLY COOL GUY .. WE WILL ALL MISS HIM....

10:38 pm: hmmm...
hmmm.... today.... hmm...... what to say about today...... i dont know how i feel .... kinda tired.... kinda upset ( not sure why )... people are getting annoying.... i mean i was kinda hyper today but now im really mellow.... kinda lonely but arent we all at time......... im going to sleep soon... maybe i will sleep for once .... mix emotions suck sometimes .. more so now

03:38 am: better night
tonight we better then last night.. i dont feel as lonley everyone was talking to me yay.. i know im lame but still come on who woulnd tbe happy that people are talkig to them.. ha ha im right ha ha ..

i had a pretty good talk with a friend of mine tonight we got a lot out in the open. talk about our problems.. it was nice.. i felt pretty imporant ..

im just laying in bed right now thinking about my life.. yeah its pretty boring and i tend to wine in my journal but guess what .. its my journal its what im supposed to do and if you dont like it or think i wine to much then dont flipping read it .. sorry just something i had to say..

i was listening to a song by Saliva a lot today called " Rest In Pieces" it got me thinking about a lot of stuff.. its a great song but its also pretty sad a couple tears fell when listening to it.. it kept making me think of someone and i came up with a theroy .. ive been trying to get over this person for months now.. i know hes gotten over me and the more i try to get over him the more it seems like somethings holding me back.. i dont think its me because i want nothing more then to forget about him and hate him but honestly i hate him but i dont.. if he called right now .. id be the lamest person and be there to help him in a heartbeat.. i know i know lame.. i know i know .. Sarah get the Flip over him .. god im trying to but it sorta feels like hes holding me back to torture me more.. URRG!! i hate men they all do that.. im thinking maybe the reason im thinking about him more now is .. it was about this time last year when he and i started talking and getting close so that might have something to do with it .. but whatever.. not thinking about him im not im not im not..

" i do belive in fairys i do i do , i do believe in fairys i do i do " -peter pan .. great movie i bought the dvd .. i love it so much. what straight girl wouldnt wanna be wendy .. i mean come on flight out to never never land with all those guys you being the only girl ( make there ages older like 15-19 ) come on .. there all probably horny you got a very good chance of eathier finding a great guy or if kristi and i are lucky some hot guy who are horny enought to make out with each other and let kristi and i video tape it.. hehe.. *evil thoughts* but anyways for a 12 year old that kid who plays peter pan is cute. who wouldnt want him leaning over them whipsering for them to fly away with him ..and "play house" hehe *evil thoughts*

i was mostly watching movies all day .. i watched the ring , mionarty report , final destenation , american history x , umm.. um.. something else and umm umm that other movie.. and oh yeah a few tv shows.. like friends and law and order..

i like writing in my journal late at night .. i can think more clearly and really write what im thinking .. i wish i could go to school at like 2 3 am my grades would be so much better.. and then sleep all day.. i hate being awake durring the day and i love being awake at night i dont knwo why it jsut feels right... well im just reambleing on and on.. im gunna go talk to kevin..
<3 ya
sarah

05:30 pm: ewie
went home sick... really sucked .. went to bed felt like shit...
i missed the second part of the english final damnit ... and umm i dunno ttyl
sarah

09:16 pm: sorry...
im sorry to all those i've pissed off latly i havent ment to im just not the happest person right now.. and im not taking it very well .. im sorry again ..